Some doctors hate it — and rest assured that every last malpractice defence attorney at the Canadian Medical Protective Association does too — but medical slang has its proponents.

To some doctors, slang’s a necessary form of catharsis, not unlike the irrepressible urge to curse when you stub your toe. “The more acute and mentally taxing the [patient’s] condition is, the more we try to defuse that by using slang or humour,” Russ Kennedy, a Vancouver FP and stand-up comedian, once said.

To British pediatric allergist Adam Fox, whose medical slang glossary appeared in the journal Ethics & Behavior in 2003, it’s an art form in decline. “Unfortunately, the whole thing is dying out and we never hear [residents and students] using it,” he lamented last year.

Of course, if medical slang is an art form it’s closer to Marcel Duchamp than it is to Michelangelo. Using slang on a patient’s records — even if you don’t think the patient will see it — is a surefire path to what some might call a SNAFU, which is another way of saying that your hospital privileges will be FUBAR.

You might even end up in court trying to explain your acronyms, like one British resident who had written “TTFO” on a difficult patient’s file. That actually meant “told to go away in no uncertain terms,” but he wasn’t telling the judge that. Luckily, he was saved by a stroke of inspiration. It meant, he said brightly, “to take fluids orally.”

Here’s a sampling of some of our favourite medical slang.

GPO — Good for Parts Only

Ostrich treatment — If you pretend you don’t see it, the problem may disappear

NAD — The procedure was Not Actually Done

GLM — Good-Looking Mum

FLK — Funny-Looking Kid

Assmosis — Promotion by kissing ass

CNS-QNS — Central Nervous System — Quantity Not Sufficient

Coffin dodger — A surprisingly resilient patient

Departure lounge — The geriatric ward

Gerbilophilia — Technical term for rodent-in-rectumitis

PPP — Piss-Poor Protoplasm

ATS — Acute Thespian Syndrome

JPN — Just Plain Nuts

The big C — Cancer

Cheeking — Hiding meds in one’s cheeks to avoid taking them

What’s your favourite medical slang? Let us know at parkex@parkpub.com.

Adapted from

Fox A et al. Medical Slang in British Hospitals. Ethics and Behavior 2003; 13(2):173-89.

Maser A and Turnbull J. Delivering health care to the homeless—Glossary. University of Ottawa 2003. http://www.med.uottawa.ca/homeless/tools/glossary_e.html